diet

Mother's visit was a disaster. For three days, all she did was complain about my stomach and Oprah Winfrey's hair. All she did was poke at us with her sharp tongue.

Me and Oprah Winfrey did a very good job at not letting Mother get to us even though there were many times when we both wanted to take our claws to Mother's face. I joked to Oprah Winfrey last night in bed that I thought I could do more damage than she could to mother's face because I do have long nails. Oprah Winfrey licked my middle finder, agreeing with me.

"It's everywhere," Mother said I don't know how many times, talking about Oprah Winfrey's hair. "It's in the tub, it's on the computer, it's even in the pots and pans. Don't you ever run a brush through the poor girl's hair?"

Mother would say these kinds of comments from three rooms away. She would shout them through the walls while me and Oprah Winfrey would look at each other and grit our teeth.

"I've been going to a gym," she said one night while we were eating salmon and corn. "Maybe your tummy would like to go to the gym. It's really not that expensive. "

I didn't reply to Mother. Instead I ate my salmon and corn very quickly and went to the couch to watch an episode I taped of Blind Date.

Mother could see the television from where she was sitting at the kitchen table and asked why I wasn't on a date that night, that I should really get out and see people.

Oprah Winfrey jumped up onto the kitchen table after mother made this comment and started hissing at her.

"Michael," my mother said, "Michael, get this cat away from me. Get it away from my salmon."

"She has a name," I replied, pushing mute on the remote control. You can tell her to get down.

My mother tried telling Oprah Winfrey to get off of the kitchen table, but Oprah Winfrey didn't listen. It's hard to make Oprah Winfrey listen when there is fish on the kitchen table.